Diary of a renaissance negress – February 16,2020

diary of a renaissance negresse

Sunday, February 16, 2020


 Haitian/Chinese-American multi-media healing artist Cassendre Xavier coined the term *”renaissance negresse” in 2002. A musician, writer, actress, and visual artist, Xavier (who sometimes works under the names Amethyste Rah and Amrita Waterfalls, and is also an ordained interfaith minister) says the term describes a black woman who is skilled or gifted in 3 or more arts. Xavier is a recipient of a Leeway Transformation Award for her work as a community cultural arts advocate, having founded and directed several Philadelphia arts initiatives including the Women’s Writing & Spoken Word Series (Est. 2002) and the Black Women’s Arts Festival (Est. 2003), as well as several peer support groups related to personal growth, creativity, healing, and recovery. She is originally from Brooklyn, NY and has been living creatively and joyfully in Philadelphia since 1990. [*”Negresse, Negre: In the French- and Spanish-speaking Caribbean Islands, these words often have a connotation of affection, entirely non-racial in meaning. `Ma petite negresse, mon negre, are equivalent to `My dear, my darling, my sweet.’” [From Masters of the Dew, a contemporary classic novel by the Haitian author Jacques Roumain, translated by Langston Hughes and Mercer Cook.]

If not now, when, right? 🙂
I have been wanting to write for months, but haven’t. No excuses.
Actually, I have written. I have written emails, poems, and essays. I’ve shared my writings with friends and on Wisdom Magazine online.
What I haven’t done is written on social media much, nor to my email list, except in the few occasions of gigpluggery (aka “gigpluggation”).

Before I begin, I wish to do a series of shout-outs, if I may. *If* that would be permissible to thyselves? 🙂

* Rupert Wates, musician, for being a musical mentor and longtime psychic friend. Brother Aquarian who shares my birthday – or do I share his? 🙂 https://www.rupertwatesmusic.com
* Stacey Lorin Merkl-Wates, for being such a loving and supportive longtime friend across the miles, the ethers, and on the inner planes. I love you! https://realizeyourbeauty.org/home
* Alex Kudera, novelist and warm supportive dear friend of many years. https://kudera.blogspot.com/
* Stephen M. Wilson, whose “a cross between Tracy Chapman, Sade  & Enya” carried me many years and now inspires me to work to attract an updated similar description of my music 🙂
* My family of origin: mother, sister, brother (and his family), and my precious nieces and nephew.
* Extended family of origin: cousins, aunts and uncles whom I don’t see nor chat with often, but who remain in mine heartal reggiones nonetheless. I love you all!
* My former collaborators, Spirit McIntyre https://spiritmcintyre.bandcamp.com/ and Amor La Luna https://m.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100022061701130&ref=content_filter . Thank you for working with me – I enjoyed much of our times together and I always wish you well on your current projects!
* Venue directors: Theresa Shockley (Community Education Center/CEC https://www.cecarts.org/, where I produced my 5-castmember play “Sex for Survivors” for the 2003 Philly Fringe Festival), Gina Renzi, executive director of The Rotunda http://www.TheRotunda.org, which has been home to the Black Women’s Arts Festival since its inception in 2003, as well as other CX events including the release concert of my 2005 CD “Beautiful”. Also,  beautiful aRtivist Larry Robin, of Robin’s Bookstore and Moonstone Arts Center https://moonstoneartscenter.org/, both of which have been venues for my projects The Women’s Writing & Spoken Word Series (Est. 2002), and the Black Women’s Arts Festival. Moonstone has also been a fiscal sponsor for BWAF. Recently, I’ve really enjoyed Moonstone’s Poetry at the Pub series, which happens at Fergie’s Pub. I featured my poetry on September 4th, and I look forward to returning in March for the group reading of poets featured in Moonstone’s 2019 anthology. Looking forward to it, and more updates on my literary efforts soon!

I’m sure I’ve produced events at other venues, and I apologize if I’ve not listed you here. The ones I’ve listed are the ones I’ve had the longest-lasting relationships with.
To an artist and event producer, a venue and the managment behind it, functions as something of a fairy godmother and invaluable sponsor/dream-maker. This kind of relationship can be incredibly enriching, and I appreciate  you all!

Also a big huge thank you to my m/patrons, whom I will mention again at the end of this message. Thank you!!

Last week I turned 51, and had an absolutely wonderful few days in celebration of that. Some of it I will share publicly, and some I will reserve for my more private audience, if you will. (As it were!) More about the public vs. private audience later in this message.
My GoFundMe campgain “My Fiftieth Year” http://www.gofundme/CXYear50 (I’m guessing at that address, by the way!) will continue throughout my 51st year as well, and I’ll be posting another update about that one of these days soon 🙂

As some of you may know, on September 10th, 2019 there was a blow up where I live, and until I move out it is not safe for me to write about or otherwise share in a public way certain aspects of my life. I live with 2 people, 1 of whom wants me there (forturnately the one who makes that decision), and 1 does not.
As an erotic artist, and one who is a late bloomer quite eager to be fully self-expressed in this way, it is difficult, very difficult, to remain silent completely. So I’ve been looking at ways I can still express myself, while respecting the privacy of my entire household.

I have temporarily deactivated my presence on several sites, including my blogs, but I recently decided to still write for them. (Keeping my expressions bottled up was really starting to feel horrible.) Today I have sent two poems and one essay to three of my blogs, and later tonight I will send them to one of my temporarily deactivated sites. This means that when I do activate them again, all my writings from now one will appear. This makes me feel wonderful!
Same with my blogs – when I activate them again, the writings I am sending to them now will be there. It feels soooo good to know there will be a record of my real life actual existence!

Further, I will gladly privately email readers who wish to receive my writings on:


Just send me an email to cxwriting at gmail dot com (I wrote it out this way to avoid/reduce spam)

Email only, please. I am not interested in using Facebook Messenger, and again, I am not active on any other sites at this time.

Because of what happened on, and in the 9 months prior to September 10th, you must be open about who you are. No anonymous email addresses, please. I have to be super private about this, and I have to know who you are. If you’re shy, keep in mind, I’m the one writing the smut! 🙂

One of my favorite things about my sweetie, is that he reminds me of something I have lived my erotic artistic life by, the Gnostic Gospel credited to Christ, “If you bring forth that which is within you, that which is within you will save you. If you do not bring forth that which is within you, that which is within you will destroy you.”

I believe that which is within me will come out one way or the other, and I want it to be public. Not all of it – a certain amount must be for a particular audience that is into it. But the vast majority of what I write about sex and sexuality can be suitable for the general public, I believe.

The other day I was listening to my music online, and I thought to myself, that there is no way that someone who can creates music like that, if she would also write about her sex life, that she could not make a decent income. It just doesn’t make any sense 🙂

So I’m here willing and ready to start making some sense of my financial life, recognizing the direct corrolation between energetic output (or lack thereof) and monetary income.

It’s not a straight line to the answer  – the road is certainly curvy. But the answer is there, somewhere. I believe it will present itself as I present myself.


It’s so funny that I go from what I want to do, what I believe I can do, to my mental health update!
Over the years, I happen upon musical acquaintances of mine in town. They are busking, usually, and sometimes they sound wonderful. Or they are not busking.
Many times, I think to myself: These folks are very talented, and they sound marvelous. Why haven’t they made it yet? And I’m not talking about musicians who have gigs and day jobs and just happen to want to busk from time to time. I’m talking about musicians who are not gainfully employed (I’m guessing/assuming), and 15 years later, I don’t see much progress in their financial lives. My guess is always this: mental health issues.
Sure, some of us weren’t reared to know how to make a living as musicians. We weren’t taught that at home, nor in school, most of us. It would make sense that we wouldn’t be navigating that part well in our lives.
But I think that more often there are behavioral issues at play. I think one of the biggest parts of success and financial stability is the ability to make and keep relationships. And not just with anyone, but with those who would help make a significant impact in our financial lives, not just others who are like us – talented, but also struggling and perhaps dealing with similar mental health issues.
I can’t say that I see specific symptoms in my peers who are still struggling financially. I can only guess because I know that’s my own story. We can present very well, as intelligent, articulate, and yes, talented individuals  – great. But where’s the money? Where’s the stability? Where’s the record deal? Where’s the solo-indie record deal? Where’s the relocation to another city where we can be new and fresh and actually make some money? Where’s the significant day job that could pay for all of this? Where’s the team?
  That’s one of the biggest things about being successful, in any artistic field: having a team of some sort.

Here’s my story as one of those musicians who’s been at it a long time and still hasn’t “made” it financially.

Two words: Bipolar, and PTSD.

Both of those things impact relationships and all sorts of other things that make it difficult to achieve long-term financial stabilitational qualities 🙂

And guess what – last year I received a new diagnosis. I have been very shy to share it publicly because of the stigma, and I only just shared it publicly last weekend when I presented at the 15th Annual Poly Living Conference in Philadelphia. My workshop was “Mental Health Issues & Maintaining Poly Relationships.”

I don’t think I’m ready to write about my new diagnosis now. Maybe I’ll make it a teaser 🙂
Maybe I want to give it the proper attention that it needs. (The longer I live with mental “difference,” the more honor and special attention I want to give to it. It’s a serious thing. I don’t want to just brush it across the page.)

But I will share that I was talking to my psychiatrist last Thursday and I said,
“I don’t feel much of an understanding of [my new diagnosis] as I did  of bipolar disorder.”
She asked, “Well, is there a difference? What would be the difference between your understanding yourself as having [the new diagnosis], or just having an understanding of yourself?”
I said, “Well, maybe because I had it for such a long time, I have a lot of understanding of bipolar disorder. And having all these resources to learn about and identify with it, really  helped me understand myself in relation to it.”
She nodded in understanding, and said, “Oh, okay.” And I continued, “I’m sure that as I learn more and more about [my new diagnosis], I will probably feel that way too at some point.

Dr. asked, “Is there anything you would like to know about [your new diagnosis]?”

I said yes, and I don’t remember what exactly I said, but she answered, “There are features of bipolar and severe mood swings in [your new diagnosis], but why you have this one now is because of your inability to have worked for so many years. That’s what differentiates the two.”

So, there ya have it. I wish I could’ve had her write that in a psychiatric evaluation, since I am now in the process of appealing my second rejection of my application to receive social security insurance (SSI).

Two days ago I began taking a second, additional mental health medication – so now I’ll be on two, and I’ve never been on two mental meds before. I feel good about it – I think it will help – I’m expecting it to help. I can’t believe it’s so expensive – $329 cash for a monthly supply. Super grateful for my Medicaid, which covered 100% of it. I have heard nightmare stories of people who don’t have health insurance and pay cash out of pocket – and I’ve made a note of Good RX, which apparently is very helpful in findind reduced rates for medications.

In the meantime, I thank my lucky stars (?) that I’m indigent 🙂

I have to say that one of the worries I have as I envision becoming an earner is losing these perks of being broke.  I just have to trust the Universe that all will be well. It must be!

I’ll be writing again about my mental health situation, and updates, if I have any, of my application for SSI.

I’m a little tired. I’ve done a lot of writing today, and I’ve been active outside of that – well active for me these days anyway 🙂
This morning, I got up, leaving nesting partner in bed, and cooked some food not only for today, but to take with me on a week long trip I’m leaving for tomorrow. Wish I could tell you all about here, but alas, *someone* could be watching, and I want to have a home to return to when I get back! If you’d like to be on my Amrita Waterfalls/Endowed Goddess  email list, let me know – cxwriting at gmail dot com (you can also message me on Facebook Messenger, but I will not send you writings there – just send me your email address if that’s easiest!)

I did quite a bit of cooking today, actually. And also writing. Oh, and I folded clothes 🙂

I wrote this blog post, “Diary of a renaissance negresse: February 16, 2020”
I wrote a poem, “Black BBW Body Love – Mine”
And I wrote an essay – “Poly Love Blues & Bliss: Black BBW Envy”

(To receive the poem and/or essay please email me at cxwriting at gmail dot com)

Right now I’m listening to my albums on YouTube (search “cassEndrE xavier”). My channel is http://tinyurl.com/CXYouTube or http://youtube.com/cassEndrExavier

A little over a week ago I received an email from CD Baby, letting me know I’d received income from many sources – only sold 1 CD (live at the kraftbrau, kalamazoo!), but sold lots and lots of musical downloads. Well, not so much that it was more than $10 total 🙂 But enough to know that when I’m performing out more and making more albums, those of you who are buying there, will buy more there, and my income will be higher, and this is good and I thank you so much!
The reason I mention YouTube is that for the first time in the 18 years I’ve been selling my music online (first CD was posted on CD Baby in 2002), and  for the first time in the 12 years I’ve been on YouTube (joined in 2008), my music has not only been heard there, but sold there. Thank you so much!
I’m also on Spotify:  https://www.tinyurl.com/CXSpotify
iTunes: https://www.tinyurl.com/CXiTunes
Amazon: https://www.tinyurl.com/CXAmazon
Napster, and other places.

For those old school West Philadelphian’s among ye, my CDs and chapbooks of poetry and personal growth/mental health writings are sold at:
Bindlestiff Books
4530 Baltimore Ave
Philadelphia, PA 19143

The best time to visit or call are Saturdays and Sundays early afternoon (between 1pm and 4pm.

Thank you for reading. I appreciate you!

Make yourself a beautiful day!

Cassendre Xavier

“renaissance negresse”

$15,000 Leeway Transformation Award-Winning musician, writer, actress, visual artist, and community cultural arts organizer.

Founder & Executive Director of the Black Women’s Arts Festival (Est. 2003) and the Women’s Writing & Spoken Word Series (Est. 2002).

Official website: http://cassEndrExavier.wordpress.com

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Mental Health Workshop at Poly Living Philadelphia Feb. 8, 2020

Hi, folks! Just a reminder that I’ll be presenting my workshop “Mental Health Issues & Maintaining Poly Relationships” at the 15th Annual Poly Living Conference, in Philadelphia this coming Saturday, Feb 8, at 10:45am. Day passes are available, and you can also just walk in! Please enjoy my related Wisdom Magazine article “Soulmate Attraction for the Rest of Us: Mental Health Issues”, which uploaded today, as my articles there appear on the first of every month! http://wisdom-magazine.com/Article.aspx/5201/

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Nifty Factoid About My Upcoming Show with Rupert Wates!

Dear Friends!

DID YOU KNOW? You can support a show without even attending! If you’re a long distance fan, you can buy a ticket, and I can offer it to a local. In addition to our other advance ticket sales, I have 2 seats so far to give away to my Saturday 12/21 show! Please support if you can! “Rupert Wates with Cassendre Xavier at The Living Room in Ardmore PA” https://m.bpt.me/event/4427944 Thank you so much!

Multi-Media Healing Artist

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Women Composers Concert Today!

I took a picture of this flier when I saw recently it on the front lobby bulletin board at Glenside Library. I may or may not make it out today, but I will certainly help to spread the word! (It’s about a concert featuring women composers!)

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Housing and Travel/Tour (GoFundMe) Update!

Dear Friends & Supporters!

I am very happy to be finally sitting down to write you an update on my recent fundraising campaign to address a housing crisis I am still in the middle of.
I really appreciate your interest and your donations.
The incident that created my sudden need to start looking for “housing” happened on Sept. 10th. Since then, there has been a slight reprieve, but the situation is still what it is. A good thing was that I set a target date of one month from initial onset, which means that I ought to have found another place by October 10th.
Bad news is that that hasn’t happened. Good news is that setting a date helped me reach a breakthrough:

“Housing” doesn’t resonate nor feel good to me. I feel unempowered and have no resources to “get housing.” “Housing” is an emergency category. It is something that requires dependence upon the social service agencies that don’t seem to be there for the likes of me.
What does feel good and resonate with me? “Travel/Tour.” That’s exciting! That is in the arts category. It is something I feel empowered and resourceful and experienced in. It’s a dream.
People will support an emergency crisis or urgent need. But people LOVE to support a DREAM.

So, I feel very good about this.

So far, my plan is to:

Use my channel (be an artist)
Share my journey (whatever I’m going through – share it)
Keep moving towards my dreams, with my challenges as who I am today.

With this huge breakthrough of having replaced “Housing” with “Travel/Tour” I realized that the vision board I made on my 50th birthday this year (in February) is still very accurate. In fact, this supposed housing crisis can be viewed as little more than a nudge (or swift kick in the hineal reggiones) to gits ta movin’ towards said goals (to, in this, my 50th year, 1) Organize Philadelphia’s 13th Annual Black Women’s Arts Festival, 2) Produce Colorado’s first BWAF in the year 2020 3) Finish and release a book 4) Finish and release an album. The idea is to travel to do poetry readings, to gig, and to produce BWAFs. And to write about it all.

I have already been doing this in varying degrees:
A few gigs here and there
A poetry reading co-feature
Co–organized BWAF Philly 2019
Traveled to Colorado in April to begin working on the first CO BWAF there…
Prepaid work hours with a book layout person – he’s just waiting for my manuscript…

My challenge now is to become active as a multi-media artist (“renaissance negresse”) in my 50s as I was in my 20s and 30s. To do it with the challenges I have now that I didn’t have then.
And to talk about it in case my story and experience resonates with and helps someone else on their journey. That is my desire.

My challenge is also to overcome depression and procrastination to:
Collect and distribute gig fliers
Make business cards
Post announcements of my upcoming appearances.

What I’ve done so far with some of the funds I have received was book 2 nights at a hotel February. The reasons include:
For the past few years, it has been a tradition for me to spend my birthday in a hotel. I love hotels and since right now my family of choice is not assembled (but it’s a comin’!) I at least can enjoy the company of myself 🙂
If I am in a fix for lodging during that period of time, I at least should not have to spend my birthday in too much discomfort.
If is during the weekend of the 15th Annual Poly Living Conference (in Philadelphia). I frequently am a presenter there – and in fact presented at the Rocky Mountain Poly Living Conference when I visited Colorado in April…
So, there is a chance I may again be a presenter, and it would be convenient to already be in the area during that weekend.
I feel relieved that I already have lodging arranged for my 51st birthday. I hope you don’t feel this is irresponsible use of your kind and generous funds!

Meanwhile, I am trying to overcome depression and procrastination to prepare for my social security disability insurance appeal which will be heard in court very soon.
I don’t know what to expect with that, but I am open to the best and am open to being pleasantly surprised 🙂
If I can find a way to not have to speak at the hearing, I have a better chance. In my experience, as soon as I open my mouth, people think I can rule the world and therefore don’t need any help. (That’s why I need to be speaking and singing more!)

Anyway. Not much more to say. I will try to write again.
Thank you again for your donations.
My goal is to rent a room somewhere, and it doesn’t really much matter where as long as it’s in the US for now. And right now I’ve not enough for the standard rates and conditions, but I also don’t how much to ask for. I suppose I should have a better plan. Sorry if I sound too flaky. I guess that’s why I’m in the shape I am, huh? 🙂
Good news is that I am able to manifest a place to live from time to time – and this time it lasted 3 years. So I am holding on to the vision of being able to attract and manifest another good situation, in which my presence is a blessing to someone.
It will happen 🙂

I’ll keep you posted and thank you for the birthday (hotel stay) gift 🙂

In art, spirit, and community,

Cassendre Xavier
Multi-Media Healing Artist
renaissance negresse

Donation links:


“My 50th Year” Vision Board – Part 1 of 2 https://youtu.be/x6EeDtB43_I

“My 50th Year” Vision Board – Part 2 of 2 https://youtu.be/Sm9e-ab-r2k

Housing and Travel/Tour Update – Part 1 of 2 https://youtu.be/XcsxqqmkSRo

Housing and Travel/Tour Update – Part 2 of 2 https://youtu.be/rqjVHgdG6ro

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Volunteers Wanted This Weekend!

BWAF Philly 2019: Philadelphia’s 13th Annual Black Women’s Arts Festival! We are looking for folks to help with stage management, assist the vendors, do mild crowd control, and just in general be on hand to support Yorz Truli, the founder and executive director (Moi!) and venue staff, venue director, sound engineers, etc. (All respectful persuns are welcome!) Volunteer shifts are 2 hours, you don’t have to message me first – just show up and say, “Need any help?” or something silly like that!
Location: The Rotunda, 4014 Walnut St, Philadelphia, PA 19104
Dates and showtimes:
Saturday, September 21, 2019
1:00pm – 9:00pm
Sunday, September 22, 2019
1:00pm – 5:00pm
Attendance is free. Space is drug, alcohol, and smoke-free, and wheelchair accessible. It’s all-ages and kid friendly. Have a wonderful weekend, everyone!
P.S. Oh, and if anyone’s interested – I’ll be singing and playing guitar today, Saturday, at 5:40pm until a succinct 6:00pm. 🙂

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Special Needs Adult/Disabled Artist – Sept. 20, 2019

Special Needs Adult/Disabled Artist – Sept. 20, 2019




After, I dunno, maybe three years of mostly social isolation I am particularly touched to see how many of you, my appreciators, are still there, and here supporting me one way or another. Whether it’s your prayers, holding a vision of my success, sending a warm and encouraging email, showing up in real actual physical persun to an event of mine (shocker!) or sending a donation to one of my online fundraiser, I am so appreciative! Thank you so much. You remind me that although I may not write “Me! Me! Me!’s” as often as I used to, or gig as much as I used to, or upload YouTube’s as often as I used to, I am still here, too 🙂
I started using the term “Special Needs Adult” for myself a few months ago, because I identify with the term “special needs child” except that I’m not a child. And I also add “Disabled Artist” because I saw a peer artist use that and she and her partner are both disabled artists who seem to be doing just fine. I figure if I use that title, I too, a few years from now, could be doing just fine – no major housing crisis every few years because I can’t work enough to keep my bills paid. Oh how I wish I had listened to my first therapist, who in the early 90s, told me I had a mental disability. But mental health stigma being even stronger back then than it is now, I didn’t want to admit there was something with my brain – and also quite frankly I didn’t believe her. (Denial.)
I used to always think of admiting a weakness as strength, that only when we admit we have a problem, be it an addiction, a personality flaw, or a disability, can we then address and work around the issue and then be much more successful and effective than if we continue to deny or ignore it. It took my being in my late 40s to come to that realization. It was 2015, actually, and I was in a women’s homeless shelter. I remember sobbing into the arms of the only friend I made there (we are still friends today), that I was starting to realize there really was something wrong with my brain. So began the journey, and now here we are – here I am 🙂

On Sept. 10th there was an incident that made my moving out much more urgent than before. I called for a fundraiser, and gave myself the date of Oct. 10th to hopefully find a place. In the interim, I’ve been receiving donations at http://gofundme.com/CXYear50 but I don’t really have a clear cut idea of how a persun who can’t work at least in the typical ways, has no recent work or landlord references, gets a place. So, I decided to relax and not focus on that for the moment. I will continue to meet with my life coach and therapist and focus on today and tomorrow. One of the most important things to do is stay in feeling of having what I want. My life coach reminded me that what helps us manifest things is to feel the way we will when we have it. Find that feeling, and hold it for as long and as often as possible. She said that this feeling will help attract what we want, as well as help to remove the obstacles to what we want. And my therapist reminded me that I manifested a place to live for 3 1/2 years (where I am now). In session today, I suddenly realized that, “Hey! I tend to manifest places to live easily – I always have. But they just don’t last long.” And that’s when she pointed out that this one did. That was really helpful to remember. It’s always been very easy for me start working on something, once I know I have done it before, even just a little bit.
One thing I do know is that I love being an artist. I am so excited about the Black Women’s Arts Festival this weekend (more on that later). Not even the performances, but just being there and running, or helping to run the event. I really love the hustlery and bustlery. I can’t believe it’s only 2 days a year of my life. I really must try to figure out a way to have more of that kind of thing in my life. I feel certain that this, along with other things I will do to earn income, will help make me resolve and solidify my housing issues. Thank you for listening!

Alternate methods of donation:

Check or US Postal Money Order – Payable to Cassendre Xavier
Mail to: Cassendre Xavier, c/o Bindlestiff Book, 4530 Baltimore Ave, Philadelphia PA 19143-3705

I am the founder and executive director of Philadelphia’s 13th Annual Black Women’s Arts Festival. It’s happening this weekend (starting tomorrow), Sat-Sun, Sept. 21-22, 2019. Sat hours 1pm-9pm. Sun hours 1pm-5pm. Location: The Rotunda, 4014 Walnut St, Philadelphia, PA 19104. Free. All respectful persuns are welcome. Non-smoking, no alcohol, all-ages, wheelchair accessible. Very thankful to outgoing producer Amor La Luna for her stellar contributions to BWAF in the previous two years.
Please join us!

Wanted: Organizers and volunteers for BWAF Philly 2020
Email: BWAFphilly (at) gmail.com
Or via Facebook Messenger

I don’t sing or play my guitar anymore unless I have a gig booked. So, because I’m singing and playing guitar at the Black Women’s Arts Festival tomorrow (Sat 9/21) from 5:40pm-6pm yesterday I practiced for less than an hour. The good news is that I started by trying to write a song, and I haven’t written a song in years. My guitar needs to be tuned and I have no idea how I’ll sound tomorrow if I to belt anything. So, that, plus the fact that I know there will be several bands that bring the house down makes me think I don’t need to belt at all tomorrow, although I would like to. I don’t know, I still may. I know I have to use my instrument – the instrument that is my body as an artist – to sing. Even if I may not still be committed to the guitar as my instrument. But I realized a few days ago, that I do want to sing. That’s it. I love to sing, and I have a voice that should be used and heard. There is a lot of healing in my voice, both in my giving and in my receiving it. Meaning both from the inside and the outside.
I have had always had false statements blocking my road to success as a singer. I thought the music industry was corrupt and cruel and would destroy me. I am not a nightclubber, and I thought all singers had to be out late at night and perform in those partying kinds of settings. I also thought I had to look a certain way or I just would never get to be heard or seen. I believed all those things when I was more conventionally attractive than I am now. I was in my twenties, I weighed less than I do now, I removed my facial hair 🙂
Today, I’m 50, I weigh 220, and I sport a rather significant lady goatee – proudly! I don’t know what that says about what my music career will do over the next few years. But I’m not worried about that. I’m just going to continue pursuing what makes me happy.
My music is sold online various places:

And a store that sells my CDs (and chapbooks) is:
Bindlestiff Books
4530 Baltimore Ave
Philadelphia, PA 19143

One of my greatest joys in life is writing a monthly column for Wisdom Magazine online. I’ve done this since 2009. Special Needs/Disabled Artist tip: You may notice when you review my archives that sometimes I skipped a month. This was due to my bipolar symptoms – mania and depression. I had asked my editor if I could submit two or more at a time when I was manic, to help offset the times I couldn’t send any when I was depressed. I don’t think I told her the mental health reasons at the time – I only asked to send more than one periodically. She said no, and I don’t recall the exact reason why, but I believe it had to do with her system, and it being more convenient to do it the way I was asked to. So I tried to continue, even though I had missed a month now and then, due to depression. At some point, it was becoming a pattern of my skipping months, and so I asked her again, only this time, with the mental health backstory. She obliged right away. Since then, I have been much more consistent in submitting my articles by deadline, each month.
I’m really proud of the one below, although the title may be a wee lengthy! I had been having some challenges with a partner, and wrote the article. But being a conflict-avoidin’-like-the-plague-Libra, when we got together next, he very gently intuited what was bothering me and we never even had to do this exercise! Enjoy!
(P.S. And I really do believe resentments block intimacy, and should be cleared as soon as possible, no matter how minor they may appear to be!)
Soulmate Attraction (& Tantra) for the Rest of Us: Clearing Resentment for Improved Intimacy:

I’m recording a lot more these days. In my 20s I was all about sharing my life as an artist – my struggles and such. I suppose I did in my 30s as well. But in my 40s that mostly stopped for various reasons – I think mostly to do with the way the music industry went insofar as CD sales go. I guess I gave too much value to selling CDs, and lost hope when that stopped in my life. Traveling folk artists can still do well. I know that , but I may have another story a brewin’ as an artist. We shall see what that will be! Meanwhile, I will share my journey via my little free government phone ($15/month for unlimited minutes, unlimited texts, and enough data for my needs)!
Here is the video I recorded today:
Special Needs Adult/Disabled Artist/Housing GoFundMe Update

At a cute and charming little West Philly bookstore called:
Bindlestiff Books
4530 Baltimore Ave
Philadelphia, PA 19143-3705

I am super sleepy. I saw a great documentary on YouTube today about the importance of sleep. It’s called “The Price of Sleep,” and is about how the diagnosis and treatment of sleep disorders is rapidly becoming big business. We need 8.5 of sleep nightly for the body to do all the healing work that it does. Most of us are sleep deprived. Good sleep prevents diabetes as well as other conditions. Very interesting!
Anyway, I hope to be in bed soon, but I know I have to go get my laundry from the dryer first.
Hey! Did I say this was a farewell *blessing*? Well, let’s get on to the blessing part, shall we? 🙂
May you get plenty of sleep every night, and feel the rewards.
May you become adept at navigating your emotions to help more quickly attract and attain your desires.

Wishing you a wonderful day, and I thank you for reading!

In art, spirit, and community,

Cassendre Xavier
renaissance negresse
Multi-Media Healing Artist

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