renaissance negresse GoFundMe Update!

Hi, Folks,

Thank you for your patience. It has been some time since I have written. A lot has happened.
I suppose it would be realistic for me to address the coronavirus.
This is a time that is challenging most of us to remain calm, remain smart, and remain at home as much as possible.

Just as there are stages of grieving, I’ve noticed there are stages of varying emotions in dealing with the repurcussions of staying home for weeks at a time.

We were already at a low hum of basic touch-deprivation. Now we are at full blown touch starvation. We know we have several months more of this, at least, so it’s important to remain calm and do what we can to feel better.

During this time, a lot of people are doing what they/we can to help others. I am deeply moved by volunteers of various kinds, including those who make face masks and then donate them to health professionals.

Artists and healers are coming out and showing their true colors as well. After all, this is a time of deep soul-searching, and of reminding ourselves of who we are and why we are here. This is a time for self-reflection, and of acting in great gestures of love and kindness.

My April 2020 contribution to Wisdom Magazine’s online edition is called “10 Tips for Managing Fear in Highly Challenging Times” and has been receiving very positive feedback. You can read it here: https://wisdom-magazine.com/Article.aspx/5234/

Since I last posted, I’ve done poetry readings and musical performances, angel readings, and attended my 2-5 individual and therapy appointments, and have been diligent at taking my medications on time.

My housing situation is still as precarious as before, albeit for different reasons. I am still at the same place, and I am limited in how much detail I have agreed to share or not share. I am happy with my nesting partner, but that is not the only person I live with.

Oh, my update on applying for disability – I have been continuing with every step of the laborious process. In June I went for a hearing, and a few weeks later I received notice of rejection from the judge. The letter was dated long before I retrieved it (my fault, I had been away for a week and forgot to thoroughly look for my mail when I arrived) and it may be too late to submit my materials for reconsideration. I still am trying.

My disability attorney told me I can still submit my additional materials (a letter from my psychiatrist stating that my new diagnosis reflects my inability to work, plus a letter I will write which will talk about how my diagnoses negatively impact my ability to work).

I am encouraged by a dear friend to continue trying, and I am aware that it can take years to receive disability benefits. I watch a lot of Judge Judy and I lament how good some people are at working the system. A family member once told me that looking for a job *is* a job.
I now am convinced that applying for dsability *is* a job. Maybe that’s why I’m not so good at it 🙂 I wish I could have someone speak for me at the hearings. As soon as I open my mouth I sound like a radio announcer, and then the mania makes me sound so bubbly it’s impossible to think I’m someone who needs help. But trust me, I sounded just as good and have been just as bubbly, at times, when living at homeless shelter or sleeping at the airport or 30th St Station. Oh, the curse of presenting well!

I wish I had a concrete goal to tell you I’m fundraising for. The nebulousness of my wanting is partly why it’s taken me so long to write.

Right now, I want to move to a room somewhere. Ideally it’s a room in a West Philly cooperative household, but I’m open to other situations.

My therapist told me to look into the possibility of an empty apartment that someone has left temporarily, so they can shelter at home with others. I thanked her for the idea and I really appreciated it because it’s an example of something that’s possible.

Here are the facts:

I have no job, and no income (other than the occasional gig, which right now isn’t happening).

So I cannot pay rent. I can fundraise to pay rent (and it’s possible that I may have rent if I get the Black Women’s Arts Festival nonprofit status in the next few months and begun fundraising for it there, and use some of those funds to pay me a salary)

I would put most of my things in storage for the time being.

An ideal situation would be if I met a potentially romantic partner and we clicked and I could live with them. That would be the closest to the ideal (the ideal is that I’ve accomplished my life skills goals and able to provide for mysef…. but in the meantime, since I’ve been working on these issues for years!!!! – in the meantime just living with someone would be great – that is, after all, what I’m doing now, and what I’ve done two other times in the past.

Has anyone ever used a GoFundMe as a personals ad? Hey now!

I’m a non-smoker (I prefer non-smoker, but the two other times I lived with someone, they smoked inside the home, so it’s not a deal-breaker)
I don’t drink (social drinker, but prefer to avoid, because I like knowing my meds are working optimally)
I’m mildly allergic to cats (after a few weeks I adjust to the cats I live with. I love cats and really enjoy the company of the two I live with !)
I like dogs, too.
I’m into housekeeping. If I live with one other person, as a mate/partner, I will contribute to the household by basic housekeeping (dishes, laundry, etc.)
I’m fairly quiet. I wouldn’t play music loudly at odd hours, etc.
I’m a morning person and not a night person.
I’m not a party person, but that depends on the kind of party it is.
I’m into communication and problem-solving.
I work well with deadlines and agreements.
I don’t drive, so the place would have to be close to public transportation.
I’m willing to relocate, so even though I would be nervous about, and need to make alternate plans for my therapy and medications, I could move to outside of the tristate area.
I’m particularly drawn to Oregon and Seattle WA (I love rain!) I would also consider Aurora, CO.
I’m also willing to talk about a long-term plan sometime in the future, since it may be easier to plan for then rather than for now (for instance, I know I’m organizing, with an advisory board, Philadelphia’s 14th Annual Black Women’s Arts Festival, at The Rotunda Sat-Sun Sept. 19-20, 2020. So it would be easier to remain in the area during that, but still have talks about a possible visit or relocation to the Pacific Northwest later on dooon the roood!)
If you live alone, you have the space and the interest to live with someone like, romantically, please message me here, or at cxmusic at gmail dot com and I’d be happy to answer your questions about what I’m like, what my diagnoses are (I’m nice to live with and I can provide references 🙂 My medications are to reduce my irritability, and to help calm my sometimes racing thoughts. They work well. I was already nice to live with even before my medications 🙂 It’s the depression and other symptoms that make it hard to keep a job. They don’t make it hard to be a nice person to live with 🙂

On Sept. 10, 2019 there was a blowup where I live. Over the next few days it calmed down, but that doesn’t mean it would be better for me to move along now, Sally.

If I had the means, I would have moved out by now. I haven’t been active in my fundraising due to my inability to my mental health symptoms (depression, low energy, mania, difficulty to focus), and also because I didn’t have a job and didn’t know how I would keep whatever living situation y’all would donate to help me into.

But when we ask for what we want, miracles happen. They happen because the Universe is vast and abundant. We never know how what we desire will show up.

I have written two blog posts before about how having the desire or putting out the call “Let me be a blessing” and praying for relief brought my current living situation, which again, is very happy for the most part. But it’s time for me to leave, for various reasons, including my health. (I am the only one here who is staying home except for when it’s absolutely necessary. If I don’t have to go to the pharmacy or get groceries, the latter of which I’m considering having delivered next time – oh wait, I can’t do that using my SNAP/EBT card  – never mind…) I don’t leave the house. But I’m still being exposed to COVID-19, and I really don’t want to be. Fortunately I am not elderly, and I don’t have a lot of underlying conditions, but I’m 51, heavyset, and have hypertension.

Have you been experiencing panic attacks about coronavirus? I’ve been having mild ones, and they feel as if I have shortness of breath (don’t worry, I’ve no other symptoms, although some people are asymptomatic). So already having that going on, and living in a place with poor air quality (cigarette smoke, scented candles and incense, all not my choice or doing), I just don’t want to take any chances with a disease that attacks the respiratory system.

I want out of here. Will you help me? 🙂

You can donate funds.
Or perhaps you either have a place that’s just sitting there, and I could house/apartment sit.
Or perhaps you live someplace and wouldn’t mind having me as a roommate whose share is tidying up.
Or perhaps you want to be a patron and help me find a place that I wouldn’t have to pay for until I can…
Or perhaps you are interested in seeing if we are compatible romantically and then we could keep house/apartment together?
(I’m bi and open to diverse kinds of people, over the age of 25.) I very much prefer a sober lifestyle, or social drinking only. I’m really into recovery (from abuse/addiction) so I’m a “safe” person to be around if you’re trying to stay clean. My “drug of choice” is food, so no worries about my bringing any drugs or alcohol into the house.

So many options, and all of them bring me joy to speak about!

I look forward to hearing from you, and I thank you for listening!

Here is the latest video I posted on YouTube last week: it’s my song “Letters From Heaven” from what I’m calling The Cassendre Xavier Physical Distancing Show! https://youtu.be/I3j3-4yem1Y

And to end on a high note, here is my song “Hope”, from my album of the same title: https://youtu.be/iJdnfbYt6hE

In art, spirit, and community,

Cassendre Xavier
renaissance negresse

Donation links:
GoFundMe: https://www.gofundme.com/CXYear50
Paypal: https://www.paypal.me/CXInspiration or Send Money to cxmusic (at) gmail.com

Website:
http://cassEndrExavier.wordpress.com

About cassendre

aka Amethyste Rah, aka Amrita Waterfalls “renaissance negresse & ARTrepreneur” (musician/writer/actress/fine artist) Leeway Transformation Award-Winning founder & executive director of the Black Women’s Arts Festival (Est. 2003) and the Women's Writing & Spoken Word Series (Est. 2002). Visit: http://cassendrexavier.com
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